I just realized what Don Juan from the Carlos Castaneda books meant by “burning from the fire within” to become a “man of knowledge.” It was always so cryptic to me, since I was so young when I read it.
When I was in my late twenties and dabbled a little with random uses of opiates and cocaine, I remember that I hadn’t considered what dopamine withdrawal would feel like.
I was confused, as I would sometimes, when going to sleep especially, feel like I was mildly “burning alive” from within my cells and bones. This was accompanied by a deep dreadful feeling of impending doom and deep anxiety.
I truly wonder whether I would have ever had those first feelings if I had never tried drugs – hard drugs in particular.
Fast forward to my car accident at age 34, when I was prescribed oxycodone and morphine all day every day, which cemented a steady and desperate opiate habit that lasted for seven years, crippling me in countless embarrassing (to reflect upon) ways.
I finally quit opiates cold turkey in 2018, and that was truly weeks of agony – physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. I think this is what Don Juan meant by “burning from the fire within!”
It is true that those few decades of drastic experiences, of trial and error, did bring me, after I took control of my chemistry and my life, a great deal of knowledge.
It broke and reformed so many connections in my mind and heart that I absolutely know now what to do, with each given decision. If I don’t know, I can just learn more and wait until I do – to act with a sure decision. I think this is what Don Juan meant by “knowledge.”
It’s life or death for me, each decision, but I am greatly at peace with it all, knowing I’ll never have to burn from the fire within again.