Hello Hyphae Members! This is my first post, so I’m going to try my best to put my experiences into words for others to understand. Experiences are sometimes difficult for me to articulate because sometimes these experiences boil down to feelings. Sometimes I find there isn’t a strong enough word to express how I’ve felt while taking mushrooms. Some words come close; however, it’s still a struggle for me. I do find comfort in others coming forward to validate this struggle, so here we go.
This might be a lengthy post, so thank you for sticking with me. At the age of 18 or 19, a friend of mine gifted me a small handful of dried mushrooms. I held them in my hand for the first time, and I swear I felt them buzzing in my palm. I was completely enthralled at the fact that I’m going to have my first mushroom trip. I took them with a few trusted friends and my boyfriend at the time. We walked to a beautiful park in the hot sun, found a shady spot by a brook to sit. Feeling that it was the perfect atmosphere, I almost forgot that I had eaten them. Until my boyfriend started walking away from the babbling brook, worried for him, I followed behind until I caught up with him to ask if he was ok. I can remember seeing a concerning expression on his face that filled me with fear. I was afraid the trip would go awry, and we were all going to have a terrible first time. I had put a lot of intention into my first trip, so this was slightly disappointing for me. I think the rush of fear had brought the trip on so fast and so strongly that it was almost debilitating. I became disoriented and very nauseous. I wanted to walk back to our apartment immediately. So we did just that, leaving our friends by the river. On the walk back, we didn’t say much, but I remember feeling like I could hear every pounding footstep I made in my head; all the busy noises of my town were overwhelming, and I heard many more sounds than I ever did before. The smell of restaurants and flowers was so intoxicating. I can remember that colors and shapes were ridiculously interesting. Upon passing a cafe, I caught my reflection in the window. I stopped because I did not recognize myself. I noticed my furrowed brow and wide eyes staring back at me, not going to lie, it terrified me! I hurriedly caught up to my partner, who kept speed walking back to where we lived. Once we arrived at home, I poured myself a glass of cold water and went to my bedroom. I closed the curtain, grabbed my chubby kitty to cuddle in my bed with. At this point, my consciousness dropped right into my heart chakra. I had total awareness that my heart chakra was too dim, broken, and I was overwhelmed with suffering. Side note: I had a lot of family and childhood trauma I was subjected to from birth to currently, and wasn’t dealing with it healthily or had begun to seek help. I closed my eyes and began to weep. Like chest heaving, sternum cracking, soul-crushing weeping. I felt sad and angry about what I had been through; the people who were supposed to love and protect me did not. I deserved so much more. I held onto this feeling of awareness and heard a voice tell me, “heal. You are safe. You are meant for more. You are Love. Seek Love. Let it lead you.” And then these mushrooms proceeded to show me the meaning of Life, all the answers to the Universe. I saw many gods, angels, aliens, and the most beautiful fractals I have ever seen in my life (so far), but when the trip ended, I forgot all of it, haha. I got lost in this newfound realm, and I had a long and seemingly endless journey. My body was grounded by the purring frequency of my kitty, and I was protected by the fleece blanket cave I made for myself. So after I felt like I was on the last wave, I rolled out of bed to go to the bathroom, when I entered the dark room, I found my boyfriend staring down at the sink, claiming he saw a light or portal down there aha. I had the best sleep of my life that night. I hadn’t had a nightmare that night either; having nightmares every night was something I’ve been plagued with. I remember feeling different as I awoke, like this renewed life experience, I felt like a weight on my chest had been lifted, a veil, I didn’t wake up sullen like I usually did. I remember practicing gratitude for the first time, even before I read about how “abundance is the Universe’s currency.” For the first time, I said out loud how grateful I am to be alive, given my traumatic upbringing.
So with all that being said, I have had multiple trips since, both fantastic and kind of scary. I would not recommend eating a bunch of mushrooms before a Nine Inch Nails concert; however, I would recommend enjoying them by a lake or river with trusted friends, partners, and furry companions, haha. I believe that mushrooms would’ve found me at some point in my life. I’m just glad they found me when they did. I believe they were leading me towards something greater and showed me what I needed to see. Otherwise, would I have been stuck in the trauma cycle I was in? What would my life look like if I hadn’t had that first journey at a young age? I think at this point in my 37 years of existence, I am healing. And I owe it to the profound and magickal psychedlic fungi family, the countless therapists that have helped guide me through CBT, DBT, IFS, EMDR therapy, the chosen family I have found along the way, and lastly to myself. For following the messages, signs from the Universe, the angels looking over me and my loved ones, my ancestors for teaching me, “you are the medicine.” With therapy and microdosing combined, I have found a way to Lovingly unravel my wounds and let the light in. I am their student. And I encourage anyone and everyone to seek therapy if they are struggling and feeling utterly hopeless. You are not alone, and you, too, can heal. Find your recipe for growth and let life be your teacher. Humbly approach this act with Loving compassion for yourself, hold yourself in reverence for the sacred path you are on, enjoy the journey…..