My introduction to God and myself through the release of fear and letting go of life itself…
The setting: I was at home. It was during the night and the area was lit by candlelight and a dim lamp, soft music was playing, incense was burning. I had journaling material nearby, and a nice comfortable spot set up with plenty of blankets and pillows.
I ingested 4 grams of albino penis envy and 1.5 grams of enigma. While I had plenty experience with golden teachers before, I had never experienced sacrament as potent as the strains I ingested this night.
I was taking this sacrament with intention and looking for an answer with a personal issue that had plagued me for several years.
The journey started off pleasant, with feelings of bliss but quickly turned into an intense and quite uncomfortable experience. It became unbearable to open my eyes due to everything appearing as if I were looking through a kaleidoscope, there were moments I had to practically crawl to the restroom. Then I felt a sense of panic set in, I was experiencing shortness of breath, my heart was pounding in my chest and I was certain I was dying from ingesting too much.
I tried to call 911 but could not work my phone (thank God). I decided that if I were going to die I’d at least lay myself in a natural position for when I was found dead. As I lay in what I thought was my death bed I struggled with remaining conscious. It became a futile struggle as my mind was slipping into darkness, I remember thinking to just focus on each one breath, that if I could stay with the breath I would make it through this. I could not. I lost the ability to focus on breathing while I was slipping to an unconsciousness state. I thought ,this is it, I’m dying, and I made peace with it. I let go of the breath, let go of all worldly thoughts and slipped into what I thought would be darkness.
It wasn’t dark, nor was it light.
It was the most amazing, pleasant, peaceful, warm, and welcoming place or feeling I’ve ever felt before. I was seated at the foot of God. I was in the presence of God. A part of me was God.
I cant recall any conversation or any message that was transmitted during this blessed moment.
It was just a state of being. A visit with unity. A visit with source.
I don’t know how long I was in this presence, or how long I was unconscious, but I do know I was sent back gently as a different person.
I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I knew that I was given a gift few will ever experience. I felt free of any worldly bondage, after all I had just experienced what it felt like to muster up the courage to let go of life itself.
For several years I struggled with shame and guilt for abandoning everyone in my life while batteling a drug addiction. After getting clean and working with sponsors and counselors I still could not find it in me to contact my family.
After this ceremony with the sacrament I realized that if I had the courage to let go of life and accept my own death, then surly I had the courage to reach out to family.
Within two days I made contact with the people i needed, and to begin repairing the relationships that were damaged from my past actions.
Thank God for His many blessings 🍄!